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Stories of Lost Children

My Little Angel

by Monica, Corona, CA, U.S.A.

On November 11th 2004 I went to my OB/GYN. At 2 1/2 months pregnant, I was so excited I was finally going to get to hear my little baby's heart beat. My boyfriend and I anxiously sat in the waiting room for nearly 2 hours. When I finally was admitted I layed down to do an informal ultra-sound. I watched the screen as she showed me where the baby was and she measured it countless times. She searched for the heartbeat for nearly 15 minutes and she couldn't find one. She told me to come in the following day to get a formal ultra-sound in the lab. She told me her equipment wasn;t strong enough to detect a hearbeat if the placenta is covering the baby. So I wasn't too worried.

All night I tossed and turned in bed thinking about my baby and hoping that it was ok. I prayed and prayed to God just asking him to make sure that my baby was safe and healthy. I was so scared all of a sudden. The next day I went into work for a while before my appointment. I was so nervous I passed out. After laying down and resting I headed off to appointment.

My mother came with me to the ultra-sound, but the asked her to wait outside. When I layed down and started the ultra-sound the technicial was very upbeat and friendly. When she located the baby she showed me and once again she measured it numerous times and got a ver distraut look on her face. I asked her if everything was ok and she told me that she was going to get the doctor. At that moment I knew. My eyes started filling up with tears, I still hadn't heard a heartbeat, and she was getting the doctor. He came in and took a look at the screen. Then it came, "I'm sorry but there is no fetal heartbeat. The baby is only the size it should be at 9 weeks. Your almost 12 weeks now.", he said as he out his head down. I felt like my heart was ripped straight out of my chest. I felt so betrayed, so alone, so confused. As the tears streamed down my face I was silent. The tech asked me if I wanted my mom to come in and I said yes. My mom came in all smiles and ready to hear her grandchild's heartbeat, then she saw me crying. She asked the tech what was wrong. She played the sound from the doppler, it was silent. "See there should be a lound beating sound here, and there is nothing. I'm so sorry, there is no easy way to tell you this. The baby's life terminated at 9 weeks and 2 days." It was like another knife in my back hearing the silence.

They scheduled me for a d&c the following Tues. Nov. 16th. I didn't want to go. I didn't want them to take my baby. I just wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare and have everyone say it's gonna be ok. But I had to be real. I just have to think, in the midst of my tears that still flow from my eyes everyday, that God is taking care of my beautiful little angel, and he can care for my baby better than anyone on this earth could. And I just have to keep thinking that one day, when i pass, that my baby will be waiting there for me to finally hold them in my arms.


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