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Stories of Lost Children

Kari - 21 for 15 Days
by Gina McMurray, Cedar Springs, MI, U.S.A.

Kari was intelligent and beautiful. I know she had been struggling with depression for a few years and had tried a little counseling. I didn't know she had been medicating her depression with cocaine as well as her prescription drugs. I called upstairs to her and said "Kar, do you want to go out to lunch with me and your sister?" And she said no, that her back hurt. About an hour later I called up again "Kar, if you want to go with us you have to get up now." And she said no, she was too tired.

When I got home about two hours later, I called up to her again. No answer this time. At first I thought she might have gotten a ride with a friend because her car was home but I also had a weird feeling in my stomach. I called up and ran upstairs. Her door was open. I knew something was wrong cause she never left her door open. I could see her feet through the open door; they were slightly blue. I opened the door and she was on the floor, her eyes and mouth open, skin slightly blue, eyes no longer blue, but gray. I knew at that moment that she was dead. I moved her into the hallway, screaming her name, thinking I could try CPR. I didn't know how, but I tried. I had to run downstairs and get the phone to call 911 and then back up to try CPR again. My legs could barely support me. I think I was screaming her name. The people on the phone tried to help with instructions but I couldn't hold the phone and do CPR at the same time. Finally I heard the sirens. They tried for about 25 minutes I think.

I try to talk to people about her and about what happened but they don't really want to listen. I know it makes them uncomfortable. That's why I need to do this. People who read this know what's going on; the heartache, the agony, the lonliness, the emptiness. My husband died in '02, my mother that same year, and now my sweet daughter in March '04. My family just keeps getting smaller and there are less people to talk to and share memories with. My other two daughters are having just as hard of a time so I don't want to load them down constantly.

I miss her and want her back so much; when I read the other stories of people who have lost "adult" children (always our babies) and I know they know what I am feeling. It's like they were on the verge of their lives and now they don't have a chance to fulfill them. I know Kari would have had a successful and happy life if she had gotten the serious help she needed for her depression.

Thanks for listening, Gina


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