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Stories of Lost Children

My Matt
by Marie, , ,

He was only 19 years old. For years, I felt like I had been sitting on a time bomb - just waiting for it to go off. He was a free spirit - daring and had been in 2 total loss car accidents the year before we lost him and came out with minimal injuries. I thought that since he didn't drive anymore he would be safer. I dropped him off at home on Monday afternoon. His friends were waiting for him and he left. I'll never forget what he was wearing and how handsome he looked. He said he'd call me later and that he loved me. I went to bed at 11:00 p.m. that night. He had called around 8:00 but I was outside and didn't hear the phone. He didn't leave a message. When I went to bed, I put the phone by my pillow which I never do and turned the volume on the ringer up. I knew somehow the phone was going to ring. It rang at 2:03 a.m. It was the Sheriff's Office. Matt had fallen into his friend's pool and drowned, but had been revived. He had a faint pulse.

When we got to the hospital, he was so pale. The x-rays showed he had broken his neck at the c5 vertebrae. He would be paralyzed from the neck down if he survived and would be unable to breathe on his own. He was transported to a local trauma center hospital. We rode the roller coaster for 19 days before we lost him. His lungs were so damaged from the drowning, he just couldn't pull it off. His neck was never operated on as it was too risky with his lungs so sick. Some days, we had hope - then, a setback and we'd lose hope. I feel so guilty that I prayed to God to give me the pain of losing him rather than have him wake up and know he was paralyzed. I pray he never knew.

Now - I have the pain of losing him - just what I prayed for - and I can't get over it. He died on the 4th of July. My husband (his stepdad) and him never got along. If only I had answered the phone that night when he called - maybe he wanted me to come get him or something. I am resentful to my husband for being so hard on him. Maybe if he'd been nicer, he would have been home with us that night instead of with friends. I just want him back. I want to go be with him. My oldest daughter hasn't spoken to me since after his funeral. His girlfriend, who was 2 weeks pregnant when he had the accident, decided to have an abortion and my daughter says that it is my fault and I have killed her brother again. My husband won't speak to me - he thinks I should be over my sadness by now (it has been 6 weeks). He wants to pick up where we were - go out to dinner with friends - go to concerts - eat, drink and be merry. I don't feel like it. So he goes his way and I go mine. I expect we'll be divorced soon.

We had my son cremated and I have him at home with me. I talk to him all the time. I love having him here with me. I'm glad I found this board. I know now that I am not alone.

Marie.


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