Stories of Lost Children
A Tribute to Ryan
by Tammy White, Atlanta, GA, U.S.A.
On October 27, 2003, 33 weeks pregnant, our first child James Ryan White stopped moving. I went to the hospital and the tests they ran said he was fine. Nice strong heartbeat, nothing to worry about. After about 2 hours, he still wasn’t moving and so they decided to do an ultrasound. The ultrasound indicated that the blood flow was not normal so the decision was made to do an emergency c-section. At that moment, I said the one thing that would change my life forever…”Lord, please give me strength.” The last thing I remember before going under anesthesia was my grandmother (who had passed away 8 years earlier) appearing to me and saying, “I am here to help you through this, don’t worry.” Even listening to all the doctors, I never imagined that David and I were about to start the worst nightmare of our lives. When I woke up in the recovery room, my first concern was for Ryan. The doctors told me that there had been a microscopic rupture in the placenta and that Ryan had bled-out. He was born with a blood count of 9, 45 is normal. The doctors said if I had waited any longer to come in, he wouldn’t have made it this far. They were still running tests so we still did not know what Ryan’s condition was except that it was critical. After giving the nurses a hard time, they finally relented and took me up to the NICU unit to see my son. From the moment I saw him, I had peace. Something in my heart told me that no matter what, I would be ok. Even though he was hooked up to was seemed like 100 different machines, even though they were giving him tons of medications, I knew everything was ok. Deep in my heart, there was a Faith so strong, nothing could shake it. When the tests started coming back, they weren’t good. Ryan’s brain and organs had been deprived of oxygenated blood for a long time. The doctors weren’t optimistic. A transformation took place within me that left my family speechless. The “drama queen” was calm. There was no hysteria. My reaction as a mother was so unusual that even the doctors questioned whether or not I fully understood the prognosis. The only way that I can explain it is that there was a feeling of great peace over me. It was like someone had reached in to my heart and poured comfort into it. Like someone had reached into my head and said, “Don’t worry. Rejoice in what you have been given.” That is exactly what we did. Every medical milestone that Ryan accomplished, we rejoiced. We made a rule that while you were at Ryan’s bedside, there was only happiness and love…sorrow was not allowed. Two days after we were blessed with Ryan, we received the news that no parent ever wants to hear. Ryan had extensive brain damage. The doctors wanted to run a few more tests but they were pretty sure. This was the first conversation that we had where the topic of removing him from life support was discussed. Ryan’s neurologist explained that we needed to make a decision soon- there would reach a point where Ryan’s lungs would be developed enough that he would no longer need life support to survive. His doctor indicated that an MRI would be the best test they could do in order to give us the most realistic look at the brain damage he had. Unfortunately, Ryan was on a special ventilator that would not allow us to hold him or allow for a MRI to be done. The doctors said it would most likely be weeks if not months before this could happen. I remember walking to the room for this meeting and praying for God to let me hear what He wanted me to hear, not what I wanted me to hear. I walked out of that room with peace in my heart. That night, miracles started happening. Within 12 hours of that meeting, Ryan was off the special ventilator. Just 12 hours earlier, the doctors said that it would take weeks to reach that point. I was finally able to hold my son which they said I may never be able to do and the doctor set up an MRI for Friday. We spent the next two days preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. The MRI confirmed what the doctor already suspected. Ryan had total brain damage. If we chose to keep him on life support, he could “live”. He would be wheelchair bound, he would require a feeding tube, he would never be able to communicate, and he would suffer from seizures. Knowing that, we made the hardest decision that any parent can be faced with. We made the decision to remove him from life support and put him in God’s hands. I knew that at anytime, God could cure Ryan completely. I also knew that if He didn’t, Ryan would be alright and so would I. On November 1st, after 6 wonderful days, we gave Ryan back to the Lord to go home where he would never have to suffer. The day was perfect and we took Ryan outside to “feel the sun on his face”. I was holding Ryan when Jesus wrapped him in His loving arms. Ryan smiled, I felt a soft breeze and then my heart was filled peace. I know exactly when Ryan’s spirit left and knowing that made it easier to hold him until his body let go. I knew he wasn’t there anymore, he wasn’t suffering, and he was finally at peace. Miraculously , one of the nurses managed to snap a picture of Ryan when he was smiling….the look on his face is of pure joy and I like to think that he was looking up into the face of God. In total despair, I walked into Cobb Vineyard the very next day clutching Ryan’s Bible. I walked into a church filled with strangers and was embraced with more love than I could ever imagine. The Lord used members of this congregation to help me heal. He has brought a few to me that have become my closest friends…people that I know will support me through this walk. In perfect strangers, I finally found a home….the family I never had as a child. Whenever I would question, why me, why Ryan, I always seemed to come in contact with a piece of scripture that answered my question. Whenever I asked what did I do that caused the placenta to rupture, the Lord always led me to Psalms 139 where it talks about all of ours days being written in his book even before we are created…this gave my heart peace. While I am not pregnant yet, the Lord is preparing me for that. He gave me the strength the take down Ryan’s nursery. He helped me realize that the hopes and dreams that I had for Ryan are not lost or wasted…Ryan is greater in Heaven than he could ever have been on earth. He has given me strength to step out and help minister in the church nursery. He has turned my grief into a ministry. Whenever I cry out and say, “I feel so alone”, inevitably, I meet someone that has been faced with the same tragedy. The Lord picked me up the day Ryan was born and carried me through the worst possible situation a parent can go through. He gives me strength, peace and comfort anytime I ask. Recently, he has started setting me down to stand on my own two feet, but I know he right there when I need him… all I have to do is ask. The Lord has put it in my heart that only the “most special” get a ticket straight to Heaven. The Lord creates all life and I believe that Ryan was created for a great purpose. In his short life, he touched more people than some people do living 70 years. There have been people that have found the Lord, found their Faith or have started seeking the Lord….all from the blessing that I was given named Ryan. It is hard to imagine that my own infant son was who led me to the Lord. I never mourned for Ryan, I mourned for myself. I mourned for everything that I would never have with Ryan. I know that Ryan is safe, happy and will only experience joy. Ryan will never have to suffer the injustices of the world that the rest of us go through…what more could a parent want for their child than eternal peace and happiness. As a parent, there isn’t anyone better that I can think of to give my child to take care of than Jesus. I often envision Jesus sitting in a rocking chair rocking the babies that have come to Him, just as their parents would. I will never understand in this lifetime why I have to go through this trial. I can say though that I am thankful. I have become a much more compassionate, loving person. My outlook on life has changed and I am learning to live my life for the Lord. One day I will be reunited with my miracle and until then, I will take one day at a time and turn to the Lord for the strength, peace and comfort I need.
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