Stories of Lost Children
My Little Lydia
by Emily, Derbyshire, , United Kingdom
I just wanted to say your all so brave. Ive been reading your stories, and thought I'd share mine too. On Monday the 15th of December I decided to go to the doctor at about 5 p.m. after having a very bad headache for the last 2 days. My Mum had pre-eclampsia with her pregnancies so it was something I worried about. So I thought I best check how I was with the doctor. I was 27 weeks pregnant exactly. I phoned my Mum and asked her to drive me, and my other half was still asleep (works nights!). On the way to the doctors we had to stop the car as I was sick a couple of times due to the headache hurting so much. When we go there, he took my blood pressure and asked me to wait outside for a while. As I was feeling so ill, I didn’t realise he had asked my Mum to go back in; he was telling her my blood pressure was through the roof. I was told to go home, get some things together and an ambulance would be at my house soon. My Mum dropped me off and I ran inside and woke up William (my other half). I was quite upset and crying as I had never been in hospital before and was scared I'd have to stay over night. The ambulance arrived almost immediately and off we went, much unprepared. I was sick in the ambulance and felt really unwell. I thought this was due to the bumpy ride. We arrived at the hospital and I was taken to the labour suite. Just the site of those words had me worried, but I thought it must be procedure. On arrival I had blood taken, BP taken, urine samples and monitors on my tummy. Then a nurse came in and said they needed to insert a catheter. Then a drip to administer magnesium sulphate to take my BP down. I found out once I left hospital my BP rose to 200/160 and they were surprised I hadn’t had a fit earlier. To be honest I was so confused and feeling so ill I didn’t even wonder what it was all for. I presumed id be monitored for the night then sent home. Soon another midwife came to see me, I remember her words were "your going to have to deliver your baby in the next 72 hours". I remember telling her I couldn’t because I was only 27 weeks. She said I had to, and the doctors would say the same. They did say the same. I suppose I was in shock because it was so fast. They had a midwife sit with me all night, only afterwards did I realise that was because it was so serious. William sat on the chair next to my bed all night. They gave me steroid injections to mature my baby’s lungs. In the morning a whole team of doctors came in about 8:30 a.m. and mumbled to each other. Then one said "Ok we will deliver you now". I thought they meant an hour, or this morning, but they meant right then. William was whisked off and they said I'd see him in theatre. They shaved me and then wheeled my bed into the theatre. William was sitting on a chair near where my head would be. They rolled me onto the table, and asked me to sit up. They gave me a spinal block which was probably the most painful thing of my whole time in there. I found out afterwards that they were not sure the spinal block had fully worked and if they had time they would normally administer another dose but they were so short of time they didn’t. It suddenly hit me what was happening and I couldn’t stop crying. Once I was laid back down William was sitting by my head. I told him to talk to me about normal things, he was great and I tried to forget what was happening. I felt hands inside me and it all seemed very unreal. Then a big tug and I asked William if she was out, he said yes. I asked him if she was alive, and he said yes. I looked over and she was on the table being looked after. I saw the top of her head. William got up and went over and I could see his face, he was crying and I didn’t know if it was because she looked so bad, or if it was because he was happy. He held her hand before she was taken straight to the NNU. Once they stitched me up I was wheeled out into the high dependency area, on the way out I saw this woman on a bed just out of surgery, her and her husband were smiling and looked so happy with their baby. Ours had been taken away. To cut a very long story short, Lydia was born weighing 1.6lbs at 9:39 a.m. on the 16th of December. She had been starved in the womb due to pre-eclampsia and my organs had started to fail. They had to deliver her to save both her life and mine. The days she spent with us were hard, she was on drips for everything. A ventilator to breathe, as they didn’t want her trying too hard and wasting her energy as she was trying to breathe for herself. She was on diamorphine for pain, constant blood transfusions and other things. Her blood wouldn’t clot so inserting any of these was a major thing. We spent those days with her, the bleeping of the machines worrying us every time. We were told some days she was doing well, things were going ok. They had told us she would probably have brain damage and this would affect her. But she seemed so perfect, she wriggled around, stretched her legs and held our hands, it was so hard to believe. She even opened her eyes once while her Daddy was talking to her, she seemed to look right at him, then close them again. Then on the Friday we were called into a quiet room and told she wasn’t expected to make it past the weekend. And her brain haemorrhage was one of the worst cases seen. We couldn’t except this and felt like our whole world was breaking. I decided the best thing to do was have hope that she would survive, if she didn’t then I'd deal with it then. But on the Saturday about midnight she seemed peaceful so I went back to my ward to take my medication and we were called back to the Neo Natal Unit. As we walked the corridors to get there we both knew it wasn’t going to be good news. The doctors told us that she was on 100% oxygen and getting gradually worse. There was nothing more they could do but watch her deteriorate. They said we can leave her like that, and she will most likely die in a few hours in her incubator, or you can take her out, hold her, then remove her ventilator and she can die in our arms. That was the choice we made. At about 3am on Sunday the 21st of December we took her out of her incubator. As we held her it was the best feeling ive ever felt, but also to know we’d have to let her go was the worst. We both held her for about an hour or so, and then her tubes and wires were removed. She looked so perfect and we got to see her face clearly and kiss her. She breathed on her own for about a minute then she gave up. I held her for a while after that, I just didn’t ever want to let her go. Unfortunately she’d only made 5 days. She had suffered a brain haemorrhage while in my womb due to lack of oxygen. She died in my arms on the 21st of December in the Neo Natal Unit at the QMC hospital. She was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, everything was perfect. Her finger nails and her hair, she had her Daddy’s chin and lips, and she was perfect. Since then we have held her funeral, it was as nice as they can be I suppose. I miss her more every day, and it doesn’t get better. We have an appointment with specialists in February to see if we can have any more children without this happening again. But I can’t replace my daughter. She was so special, and being in that hospital and seeing other people going through the same thing makes you realise how unfair life is. I have my memories and photos and id rather have those than nothing at all. We had our appointment, theres a 10% chance, plus now we are waiting for test for Cystic Fibrosis, they think Lydia may of had this also. I can't bear the thought my little girl suffered so much. Its been just over 4 months now. I still cry each day, I sometimes wonder why I carry on. I need my little girl so so much. Em
xx
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