Stories of Lost Children
Nicole Stiffler - My Heart Goes Out To You
by Carolyn, Walpole, MA, U.S.A.
Nicole, you have experienced a tragic loss. I can feel your desperation through your writing. Please know that you are not alone. So few people seem to be able to understand the grief of a mother who did not have a "full term" baby. Many relate it to having a miscarriage - but it is not the same thing. People say things they think are "helpful" because they just don't know what to say, not because they are trying to be hurtful. I will tell you my story so you know I understand. I was seven months pregnant. I woke up one morning and did not feel my baby moving. I called my doctor and told them I wanted to come in for a doppler just to hear the heartbeat. I went into the hospital and my baby was already gone. At some point during the night, I threw a blood clot and it got trapped in the umbilical cord. I was induced that day 10/17/01. They gave me pitossin during the day and then misoprosal in the evening for a whole week. I was basically in some stage of labor until 10/23/01. Finally I put a stop to it and demanded a C-section. My darling son came into this world at 4:04 pm on 10/23/01. I was able to hold him for as long as I needed to. We named him Jake Michael. We buried him on 10/27/01. This was the most mentally excrutiating experience of my life. Because he was considered stillborn, he did not have a birth certificate. Therefore, most people (with the exception of family and close friends) did not consider him a "real person". Although your son actually lived and breathed, I'm sure you run into some of the same issues. What matters is how you feel. As far as I am concerned, you are a mother and always will be. You carried and gave birth to your precious baby. You love him and he will always love you. The only way to deal with the feelings you have right now is TIME. I know, I felt the same way as you. I was desperate, nothing seemed to matter to me. All of a sudden my work and life was meaningless. Everything seemed to have no purpose. You need to allow yourself to grieve. You need to go through all the anguish, fear, confusion, anger and everything else that this tragedy has brought you. I know it seems impossible at the moment, but time will help you heal. It helped me to "vent" as often as I needed to. If you have a good family support system, hopefully they will let you rant and rave as often as you like. There are also some great support groups out there (Compassionate Friends) that let you share your feelings with others that can understand what you are going through. Don't give up! Don't bottle up those feelings, let them out! If you would like to "vent" to me, feel free cmp0826@aol.com I lost my beautiful son 2 1/2 years ago. It changed my life forever. I am at a place now where I have learned to stop being so mad and to take away from this what I can. Now I am a more understanding, compassionate person. I take the time to "stop and smell the roses". I have since been blessed with a healthy happy son who is now 17 months old. Because of the loss of my precious Jake, I think I am a better mother. The house may be a mess, dinner may not be cooked yet, laundry piled up, but we are doing what is important: Running and playing outside in the moist evening air trying to catch butterflies and puddle-stomping from the recent rain. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. I enjoy what I have more than ever now. My life has been put into perspective for me. For that I will be forever grateful! You will never forget your precious baby and he will never forget you. Your love for each other is real and deep. No one can ever take that away from you. My Heart Goes Out to You Carolyn
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