Stories of Lost Children
My Story
by Kara, , ,
On or around July 10-12, 1990, my then live-in boyfriend forced himself on me. I discovered that he had cheated on me with at least three different women in a couple different states. Our relationship was breaking up and I was in the process of moving out and moving on with my life. Things were so emotionally painful that before I move out, I was sleeping in our living room either on the couch or in a nest of blankets and pillows on the floor near the computer table. Then one early morning, I was still asleep; still dreaming, when I heard quiet footsteps near me. I looked around and saw my boyfriend's combat boots. I looked up and saw "Lee" standing there in combat boots, fatigue pants and his PT t-shirt and dog tags looking down at me almost as if he was studying me. Registering no threat, I closed my eyes, but then I felt something bump the blankets, and the next thing I know, Lee no longer has his dog tags or t-shirt on and he leans into me in such a way that I couldn't get up and he forced himself on me. It hurt so bad as he tried to penetrate me through my panties. He pulled them aside and continued to (force, rape or assault?) hurt me. I was crying and begging him to stop - that he was hurting me. I was beating on his chest and finally I managed to shove him off me but not before he finished. I curled into a ball and held myself tightly balled up. I could feel myself burning down there. I reached down and balled up even tighter when I saw blood on my fingers. I kept crying that it hurt; that Lee hurt me. His last words to me before he disappeared were so cold that they haunt me to this very day - "I know that hurt you, (my name) but thanks for letting me finish." I don't remember where Lee went or how long I laid there. Eventually, I got up and went to take a bath. I got the water as hot as I could stand it and soaked in the tub, trying to scrub what happened off me not knowing that in that in those painful moments, Lee made me pregnant. I eventually got out and dried off and went into the kitchen to do the dishes. I was at the sink washing last night's dishes, watching a small red cardinal hop around in the side yard looking for seeds and bugs, all the while happily chirping. I was so engrossed in watching this little bird that I didn't hear Lee come in the back door. He came up behind me and wached the cardinal with me. He then put his arms around me and slid his hands to a little just below my stomach and said "This is something for you to think about when you're out in with your little Marine friend." Lee left his hands there for a moment and lowered them a little more and kind of firmly hugged me and then disappeared again. I was too stunned to move; too shocked to say anything. Even though we were breaking up and I was moving away to go visit a potential new boyfriend and a couple olf girlfriends, I still made sure that Lee had everything together before Lee went to work either his civilian job or to his military duties. A couple days later, I was on my way to (another state) visit my buddy and a couple school pals and their girlfriends. Around July 12 or 13, 1990, I got my period as normal or so I thought. On July 14, 1990, I went to the restroom and had noticed there was hardly no blood on my pad. What little was there was just a small oddly *pink* streak. I remember feeling very strange; very scared, but I just put it out of my mind - that my body was just as stressed out as I was emotionally spent. I figured my period would return next month when I was settled in my new apartment, looking for a better job and trying to forget what Lee did but no matter where I went or what i did, the thought of what Lee did to me haunted me. Life was good at that time. New state, new home, new part-time job, new boyfriend - basically new possibilities and the possibilities seemed endless! And then, I noticed that I was sometimes more tired than usual. I was a little fuzzy mentally and a little achy. At that time, I still thought it was just the stress from our break-up and from moving, so I just laid down for what I thought would've been a short couple hours afternoon nap until my best friend and new boyfriend got home from work and from duty. My best friend woke me up and asked if I was okay because I slept almost twelve hours! Can you believe that - I thought I went to sleep for just an hour or so and I slept nearly twelve hours! And I woke up feeling like I was going to throw up, so I sat practically curled around the base of the toilet for almost ten minutes waiting for the waves of nausea to go away. I was very shaky when my friend helped me up. I felt "funny" and this scared me because I never felt this way before. Later on the next afternoon, my friend gets off duty and comes home to find me still in bed and wearing my army sweats and t-shirt, which was very unusual for me to do, because I hardly ever slept and I certainly never wore such clothes all afternoon. I was beginning to get scared because I thought I kept feeling "something" deep inside me a little way; down past my stomach. It felt like a little knot. I kept thinking that it was just some knotted muscles from where Lee forced himself on me. But still, I kept feeling sleepy and tense and "funny" all at the same time. My boyfriend gets off duty the next afternoon and again, he finds me curled up trying to read a manual from work. He looks at me and asks me if I think I might be pregnant. I replied I didn't know. He said he'd get me a home pregnancy test kit after duty that night. He brought it home, but I put it in the bathroom cabinet and I didn't get it out and use it until he and my best friend and their other friends had gone to either work or duty and I was then only one in the house. Literally, within seconds, a bright pink "+" sign appeared in the test result window. I freaked out and literally flipped the little plastic card over and ran from the bathroom. I ran down across the street and purchased another test from the drug store. I waited until later that evening to do the test again. This time, I was nervous as I prepared the test kit. I added three drops of urine to a dot on the stick like the instructions indicated, and within moments, a faint red "-" appeared making a "+" sign in the test window confirming that I was indeed *pregnant*. A trip a couple days later to a local crisi pregnancy center and their pregnancy test confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. I'd moved out and moved to (another state) not knowing that I was already several days pregnant. I was 18, scared and basically alone. I knew no one else except for my boyfriend, a couple girlfriends and their buddies from the base. When everyone left for work or duty, that night, I took the little test strip, Lee's uniform jacket and a chair outside and I just sat there in our back yard and cried. I must've sat out there crying for a couple hours because my boyfriend rushed up to me. I literally collapsed into his arms, crying that I was pregnant. I finally told him what Lee did before I left. "Marine" looked both concerned and scared. I just cried as he held me. Marine said the next day, if I wanted, I could call Lee long distance and tell him the news. I called Lee several hundred miles away at Fort ......... Both he and a brother were at the same base. Lee was a drill sergeant and Bob was in Air Defense Artillery (ADAR). Lee told me he was "glad" to finally hear from me. When he asked me how things were going, that's when I lost it. I was sobbing into the phone, telling him that I was pregnant - that I was scared and I didn't know what to do. He said he didn't know what to say. Lee didn't accuse "Marine" or even bring his name up. He asked me what I was going to do...and I cried even harder. I pleaded with Lee to please help me. I was so scared. Lee and I had been together for a little over two years. I still was very much in lve with him, but his cheating and verbal and emotional abuse got to the point that it was more than I could handle, so I made plans to move out and move on with my life without him. Basically, even though I was living with Marine and a couple friends, I still very much cared for and loved and even missed Lee. I felt so utterly lossed that I cried and told him that I needed him both as a drill instructor and as someone that I loved and dearly missed. I felt like a lost little child - scared that I'd never see Lee or my family ever again. Lee asked me what I wanted to do. I cried and told him that I wanted us to be together and he told me that that wasn't possible at that time. I asked why. He said because he "needed time apart to sort things out". Oddly enough, Lee *never* accused me of cheating. He *never* denied me being pregnant. He *never* did anything. He simply told me to "deal with it", told me that he loved me and missed me and that he'd see me in a few weeks when I returned to ....... to visit my family and friends. Around mid September 1990, Lee picked me up and we went over to his parents where we sat on the porch swing quietly holding each other. He went inside to change into his civilian clothes and came back outside to find me curled up crying. Lee actually sat down and let me lay my head in his lap while he quietly rocked the swing. Lee never said a word, but would only look down at me with a look somewhere between love, worry, and being scared. Hardly the feelings a 27 year old seasoned soldier and drill sergeant is accustomed to feeling and dealing with. Over the next four or so days, my pregnancy was never discussed. I was too scared, to hurting and much too in shock that Lee wanted to be around me after what happened. He always looked the ever confident soldier but his bearing and movement was jerky and nervous. Again, nothing was *ever* said about my pregnancy - by this time I was around two or so months pregnant and still not sure or knowing what to do. Lee said he'd come out to Camp ........ to see me not far from where "Marine" had duty. I told him I'd see him and a few weeks. In the following weeks, "Marine" made it clear in so many subtle and not so subtle ways that he didn't want to raise potentially another man's child. Marine made it clear that he'd support me in whatever decision *I* made, but he made it clear that me keeping and having Lee's child wasn't what *he* wanted. I felt so despondent, scared and alone. I never told my other friends and never let my best friend know what happened, although by this time, she and others were beginning to suspect something was up. Certain people and soldiers were beginning to suspect that I was pregnant as well. Apparently, Marine told one of his sergeants who in turn told someone in his command. When this Master Gunnery Sergeant and a a couple MPs questioned me, I was so frightened that I ran off base and half way across town. By this time I was over three months pregnant and beginning to show. I really freaked out and cried when I couldn't zip my favorite skirt or jeans. I just sat on the floor of my living room and cried. Marine came home to find me this way and suggested that we take a little weekend "getaway" trip out of town away from the base and everyone and all the strangers. Marine said it was probably best that I get an abortion. I knew knothing about abortion expect that it was ending a pregnancy and that a lot of people didn't like it but didn't want to deal with it or what causes it. We talked and talked and talked. Finally, the next day or so, I had an appointment for October 18, 1990 at a clinic in ........ near Camp ....... I will never forget the pain of the instruments being put into me....the burning of a long needle in my insides, the incredibly painful cramps or the feeling of something (the baby) being torn apart and torn from my body. My 13-14 week pregnancy over in less than 20 minutes. The nurse directed me to another room that had bean bag chairs and blankets for the women to rest in after their abortions. I remember collapsing into a dark colored bean bag chair with an army blanket on it. I curled up and slept for almost four hours. The nurse told me someone named "Cpl. Marine" was there to pick me up and take me home. I saw Marine and hugged him. I was relieved and sad at the same time. Later that night, I woke up because I kept having weird dreams and hearing and smelling the abortion. It then hit me that I helped kill Lee's baby. KILLED! Marine said I cried for almost four hours and that nothing he could say or do comforted me so all he did was hold me until he had to get up and get ready for duty. Life has never been the same since. Marine was eventually kicked out of the Corps for theft, misconduct, etc. We married but were together so brief a time (less than a year) that we had the marriage annulled. He moved back to ...... and got on with his life. I moved back to ...... Lee asked to see me just a few short weeks after my return. I was 20 years old when Lee asked me "If you knew for a fact it was my baby would you've killed it?" When Lee asked me this question, we sat in his truck in a big open field and held each other in the warmth of his beat up old army pick-up. Again, nothing was ever said, but I saw a couple tears fall down his face as he looked straight ahead. It's been fourteen years since October 18, 1990 and longer since those days between July 10-12, 1990. A lot both good and bad has happened, and what Lee did, despite a lot of counseling, tears and prayers, haunts me to this day. I know I cannot make Lee - a 41 year old seasoned soldier - talk about or apologize for hurting and then abandoning me when I needed him the most. When I needed his strength and guidance the most, I was left to move on the only ways I knew how and that was to run as far away from him and things as possible. But, one can only run for so long before they realize their problems run with them. As I said, no amount of therapy has helped. The pain has lessened throughout the years, but never knowing whether I aborted a little boy or girl has always haunted me. No apology or words of comfort from Lee. No questions from him have hurt me all these years. Almost 14 years later, I still mourn for the little baby I allowed to be killed because one man was more worried about himself and his career and the other because he didn't want to raise another's child. I hate neither Lee nor "Marine" for their choices. God knows everything and He will judge both Lee and Marine for their choices and actions. Even at the age of 32, I want so badly to tell Lee how much I miss him and our precious baby. I never wanted to kill this baby - Lee's baby! He knew that! I just want to tell him how sorry I am and how hurt I am. I guess I still want my soldier's help to get through the pain. If Lee would acknowledge what he did, my apth to healing my heart would be complete and our baby could rest in peace or find whatever happiness that has alluded him or her for all these years... I miss my soldier. I miss my baby. Our baby. Fourteen years of haunting bad dreams, tears and unfinished healing. Baby, wherever you are, please know that mommy misses you and loves you very very much and she is so damn sorry that this happened to you. I'm so sorry that I won't be able to hold you or pet your hair or kiss you until it's my time to leave this life and I take my last breath. Until then, may God and His angels keep you and guide you. Love your mommy (and daddy), Kara
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