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Stories of Lost Children

My Fault
by Aaliyah Muhammad, Hawthorne, CA, U.S.A.

I was pregnant with my first only baby boy in Aug of 2001. My due date was March 24th 2002. I've been going to all of my appointments and prenatal classes. The last doctor appointment I went to was about a week before I went to the hospital. The doctor said that everything was fine with the baby. With this being my first child, I really didn't know what to look for to tell me I need to go to the hospital because everybody is different. My water didn't break and I didn't know what contractions felt like. One day I didn't feel the baby moving so I told my uncle; he's a PA. He said it was because the baby was getting close to delivery time (not in those exact words but something to that nature). So I was like "OK he should know", but deep down inside I felt bothered. About three days went by since then. I was having serious back pain. I was going to the bathroom every 10 minutes. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sit in a chair. I had a little stomach ache, so I thought. I wasn't really in pain because I had that feeling a few days before. But this time I went to the hospital.

Everything was fine. The nurse listened for the baby's heart; at first she couldn't find it so I was a little worried. Then she finally found it. I was sent to another room for the doctor to see me. The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. He kept checking and checking. He looked at the ultrasound over and over again. Checked the heart over and over again. Then finally, he said the baby's dead. The heartbeat that the nurse found was my own. I was quiet for a while. I just uttered a silent cry. My aunt started crying softly and hugged me. I felt stupid, it was all my fault. I did get to hold my handsome baby boy. The following week we had the funeral.

P.S. Sorry for writing a long story but I couldn't sum it up in two paragraphs. If anybody reads this and you know if there is a support group I could go to in the Los Angeles California area, pleas e-mail me at muhammad_aaliyah@hotmail.com

I couldn't find one on the net.


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