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Stories of Lost Children

My Shining Star
by Savea Harrelson, Newfolden, MN, U.S.A.

My darling 25 year old daughter Neysa was the shining star of my life. Like a shooting star she all too soon passed from sight and the light went out of my world. Not only was she my daughter but also my best friend. She encouraged me to never give up, improving myself in all ways possible, simply because she loved me. It was for my own good and because she believed I deserved it. My daugher had been through many trials and adversities in her young life including personal tragedies such as the death of her fiance who commited suicide in front of her. Broken hearted she never the less picked up the pieces of her life and struggled to survive. And in the process uplift and enhance her own life not to mention those she came in contact with. She inspired others to pick them selves up and carry on and do something positive with their lives in spite of the hardships or set backs in life. She was very talented, and loved to draw, paint, and create with her hands and mind. She wrote poetry and was very interested in spirituality and believed that we all survive mortal death and live in the spirit world after this life. She had finally arrived at a time when life was full of promise. She was engaged again and was to be married soon to a wonderful young man with a promising future. His name is Mark and she lovingly called him Markypoo and he in turn called her Neysaroo. My daughter and I had recently started a promising online business together in the form of a online store which we built, designed, and equipped with many and various tools for exploring uplifting spirituality and faith in many paths. The morning before she passed we had our first big sale and she was so happy about the endless possibilities of the future. We planned together to open a physical store in the future which was to be named after our online store. This was a mom and daughter project which we put so much thought and effort into. Our efforts were referred to by us as our 2 dreams. Neysa's art work was a part of our store logo and we wrote our own slogan which defined our belief in spirituality and finding your own path, "Find your path, Embrace the spirit, Enrich your life". This was our shared dream.

Those dreams were shattered when she passed away that evening March 30, 2002 on her way home from work only four houses from her home when another car crossed into her lane causing an accident from which she did not survive. My beautiful daughter lay alone all that night before her broken body was found the next morning. The driver responsible for the accident left the scene of the accident and has not yet been apprehended. The neighbor and only witness didn't bother to further investigate the sounds of the crash (he said he thought his kids were making noise outside) or he would have seen her car which had landed in among a group of trees off the road side (just four houses from her home in a rural area where four houses sat side by side). She was found the next morning at 8:30 a.m. and the police went to her fiance's house with the news. I recieved the worst phone call of my life at 9:30 a.m. March 30, 2002, when her fiance Mark called me with the news every Mother dreads to hear. I will never forget when he told me with his voice breaking and anguished that "Neysa has been in an accident" and I said "What? Is she ok? Is she alright?" And he said, "NO NO she didnt make it" I remember screaming into the phone "What? What? Oh My God No!" and I dropped the phone at which time my husband must have picked it up to find out what was wrong. I fell to floor weeping and crushed with overwhelming grief and disbelief of what I had just found out.

I have relived that phone call to many times since then to count. I wish I could forget it. I wish it had never happened. I wish my daughter had not been the helpless victim of a careless or drunk driver. I wish I had my daughter back where she belongs with those that love her. Wishes don't always come true and dreams can be easily shattered, especially by those whose have little respect for life. Her younger sister was away at the time and I had to lie to her in order to get her to fly home so that I could personally break the tragic news to her about her sister. She was crushed when I called her into the bedroom to tell her what had happended. Since then she has been trying to deal with this loss and trying to handle her anger and grief, while maintaining high school classes, homework, grades, and a job. As if being a teenager isn't difficult enough. In the days since the accident I still wait for Neysa's call, listen for her voice, remember her face and shining smile, the sound of her laughter, the way she always lovingly called me little mommie or mommy, the way she smelled, the feel of her kiss or arms as they went around me. Even if I wrote an entire book I don't believe I can fully describe the anguish and pain, the emptiness, the void, the desire to let my own life just fade, the desire to go and be where she is, the sensation that my own heart has been mangled beyond repair, and the difficulty breathing sometimes. The feeling as if a great beast has its claws constantly in my chest squeezing and crushing my heart and lungs and letting go just long enough for me to let a small amount of air in; enough to sustain life but not letting go enough to ease the pain.

It rained almost continually for a month after my daughter passed away. I told my husband that the world knows something precious has left it. Now when the sun does shine I look at it, I hear the birds sing and I see spring though late is finally beginning and I can not find the joy in it that I used to. I wonder how these things can go on as they always have; so many things that used to matter to me now seem so insignificant, so many things seem trivial and unimportant. I don't care about the news any where in the world. I don't care who wins what soccer or baseball game. I don't care what the president has to say. Money means absolutely nothing; it is a means to an end It pays the bills that must be paid to keep a roof over one's head. The thought of shopping for food seems a waste of time. Who wants to eat and going out anywhere is not something I want to do. I see young women everywhere enjoying life. Young couples in love, young women with babies and husbands; the very things my daughter should and would have been doing now in her life had this not happened. Instead of planning a wedding I found myself in the position of planning a memorial service for my precious daughter.

Now there are many broken hearts left behind on this side of the veil of tears. Neysa left behind many close and loving friends; a fiance and his loving family, two younger sisters and a younger step brother (whom she treated like a blood brother and who loved her like his own blood sister), a step father who loved her as his own and she loved him and always let him know it, myself her mother and other relatives and friends to many to name at this time, but they and Neysa all know who they are.

I have no doubt that Neysa left this world before her time. I feel like she was most definately cheated out of her future and I feel all those who love her were cheated out of sharing that future with her. I know without a doubt that my world has changed forever and will never be the same again. I will never be the same person I was before this happened. There will always be a void in my life and my heart will always be broken. My future can never be what it would have been or should have been but bleak as my world is right now without her. And as difficult as my struggle is right now with the devastating loss, I know she wants me to find a way to rebuild my life and go on. She knows there are others here who need me, love me and depend on me. Though my pain is unbearable at times and I don't know how I will get through another hour much less another day, I hope somehow I can find a way to over come this unbearable grief and sadness, this horrible nightmare my life has become, and go on and continue our work to keep her dream alive. and make her proud of me. I know she will be waiting for me when my time comes with open arms and a loving heart and I want to make sure she can say to me "Good job Mommy!!! Good job! I love you Mommie welcome home!" Wait for us Neysa. We will all be with you again one day on the other side!

We love you our Shining Star in Heaven. From your Little Mommie and family.


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