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Stories of Lost Children

The Day My Twin Angels Went to Heaven

by Tracy Deleon, Coralville, IA, U.S.A.

Feb. 5, 2002 I lost my twin sons Devon and Caleb. Today only being the 28th of February I still feel that I am a character in a bad dream, and that I am not able to wake myself from the dream. I have read many of your stories and the heaviness and the emptiness of my own heart I know you all have once felt in your own ways. So knowing this I find some strength and hope that enables me to tell my story

I am a sonographer. I am the one who takes a look at all the babies before they enter this world. I can see their feet, their hands, their beautiful faces, their heart beating before any doctor or before any parent can take their precious pictures. I am the one who for a living, gets to tell you if its a boy or girl or how healthy they look. So for my first pregnancy, I was scanning every day waiting for it to be time for me to see their hearts and waiting the amount of weeks to find out if they were boys or girls to tell my husband. I scanned with pure delight at the beautiful miracle that I finally had a chance to be a part of. I would come home with pictures every week to show my husband. And then one day, I came home and said "see this honey, here is his heart and over here I am not sure what's going on."

Weeks later, I saw what was going on "over there". Instead of one beautiful heart beat there were two. I kept this little secret from my husband for about two weeks and then before I was to travel for my father's bypass surgery at the beginning of December, my husband said "why don't you go up to the hospital and have one of your sonographer friends scan you, see what they think." I did that and confirmed my little secret of there being two babies, twins. Who would have dreamt of such a gift.

With my husband a medical student and me a sonographer, we looked in every book and knew the chances of complications from the very beginning. Could you even imagine knowing there were two babies even before your own doctor knew? What a shock they were in when I had my next appointment. Eveyone was so exicted; my mother in law was at work when we called her. She was exuberated. At first thought she thought we must have won the lottery because what better news could we possibly have had since she already knew we were having her first grandbaby. She shouted to everyone "I am having twins." All the other nurses laughed and smiled and joked with her while my husband was still talking to her. "Your twins they said." "My son is having twins she shouted." My heart lept with happiness when I heard her this way. It took away all the fear of having two babies at the same time. From that moment on, we only looked forward to the joys and road that we were soon to travel down.

We did everything the doctors said, went to every appointment, took vitamins and got through the first trimester counting the days until they finally would arrive. We planned their room, tossed names across one another every day, and laughed outloud with excitment when I felt them kick me from inside as if to say "mommy we are here."

All the complications we had ignored and put on the back shelf like they did not even exist came falling into our laps January 31, 2002. The dream I could not wake from began and began very slowly. Twin pregnancies add a little more concern for any doctor so they scheduled special ultrasounds to be done every week starting at the 18th week. My husband was able to attend this ultrasound and after being on Christmas break from school, he had not been back at the same time I had been. I had scanned myself when I returned from the Christmas holidays before my husband and knew they were twin boys. I kept it the "babies and my" little secret. Then when they did the first official ultrasound that my husband could see, could see his sons, I have never seen his eyes light up the way they did that day. His precious sons he had only dreamed of were right ther in front of him, "dancing" as he called it around inside of me saying hello.

It was at this point that they began the special ultrasounds and found my cervix length was a bit worrisome. I remember the doctor spoke to us in circles, "maybe its ok, maybe its not" and "we will scan you every week and make sure things are still going ok." ON January 31st, they checked again as scheduled and found my cervix had decreased in size by a centimeter and by the time a doctor came to examin me i was dilated to 2 cm. From that moment on everything moved so fast that I could hardly catch my breath. They did a special procedure to put in a stitch that is supposed to hold my cervix closed until the babies could get a little bigger, a little stronger and wait to make their appearance in this world. I have never felt so scared in my life, however, the procedure was fast. I was assured it had gone well and then I rested in Room 4 of Labor and Delivery. I experienced every possible symptom that the doctors had anticipated and things looked ok.

We wet home at midnight and went back at 2:30 a.m. because I was having strong pains in my abdomen. I rested again at the hospital, saw a million or so it seemed doctors and nurses, and was examined a million times. Things seemed to have calmed down and we tried at home again the next day. Meanwhile my husband was attempting to prepare for his finals coming up on the Monday. We ventured home Saturday sometime, hoping each time that we left that I was better. The babies were strong and we were going to get through this. Saturday night we went back and this time they gave me a special kind of medicine to calm my uterus down, all the time being told the babies are ok. The stitch was ok. The medicine worked almost immediately and after a little time had passed, they sent us on our way once again. I slept through the night as my husband went to try and study. Our good friends brought us dinner and one stayed with me until my husband came home. Sunday came, the sun was shining, things were looking up!

I even ventured out to a Superbowl party so I could be around people while my husband was trying so hard to focus on his exam that would be the next day. I made it 3/4 of the way through the Superbowl and then back to the hospital. The medicine had stopped working. I got back to the same room and was examined again. By this point, the nurses knew us by name and the doctors all said "you're back again" trying to make light of the situation. They tried one more pill and it worked, no contractions, no dilating, no more pain. And yes the babies were strong still and yes the stitch had remained in the same place. Nothing from 10:30 p.m. until the next day Monday at 4:30 p.m. My husband took his exam, fought his restless hours of studying and no sleep came to find the three of us doing very well and thought for sure he got all the points he needed for his class. I was relieved. I sent him home after I was able to eat lunch and take a shower. This was it. We were going to go home and we were all going to be fine!

"The calm before the storm". I like to refer to those Monday hours. My husband went home to sleep, to score his test as soon as they posted the grades, and to soon come pick us up and bring us home safe and healthy. Sleep his eyes did not do. He graded the test. Not enough points now. He would not be able to continue into the next semester without the nine extra points that he so desperately needed; the nine points he thought he pulled off. He came to get me and we marched over to the administartion building; the two of us went. I thought if they saw me and the struggle we were undergoing, they would tell him to retake the test. Under better circumstances I thought they would understand my poor strong husband had tried to be brave and had tried to take the weight of my fear onto his shoulders. They did not see the fear in my eyes. They could not feel the pain that was coming back in my abdomen; no one could.

We went back to the house and I called my best friend and told her what was going on. I told her that I was scared could not handle it anymore. Now what I kept asking was "What do I do now???" I took a warm bath andit helped for moments; moments that were gone in a blink. I woke my husband and told him that we have to go back. I pleaded with him to take me back. He had just fallen asleep and was grumpy to be woken again and upset about the school stuff. I let him rest for a few more moments. I went to the bathroom and called his name. The blood was so much that I nearly fell to the ground. He gathered our stuff, gathered the car keys, and rushed me to the hospital. He must have run every red light on the strip. He wheeled me in the wheelchair up to our Room 4 as I wept; overwhelmed with fear. Hours went by and the pain was ripping me apart. I looked up at my husband at one point and said, "we are going to lose our boys aren't we?" No words left his mouth; just two tears running down each side of his cheeks.

More doctors, more examining, more drugs. This time nothing could stop the pain, nothing would stop this from happening, no pleas with god, no amount of tears, no matter what doctor came in, at 22 weeks. way too early for even medicine to give them a chance. I was in labor. The stitch had to be removed. I was running a fever, my pulse was to high, I was dialated to 5cm. "Oh god I pleaded why this way, why now?" I had to continue the labor and they made me very comfortable through the night. However when the shifts changed at 6:00 a.m., no doctor came to give me more pain medicine. Instead the labor increased and by 6:30 i was ready to push. I still had to wait because no doctor could come and deliver my first baby. By 6:50 one was there. At 7:01 Devon Blake wsa born after only two pushes. His heart beat as my husband held him and the tears poured from everyone eyes in the room. After more medication and one push that I didn't even tell the doctor I was doing, Caleb David was born and given to my empty arms. This was not supposed to be this way. I was supposed to be able to protect them. I am there mom, that was my job. I failed my precious boys.

Then , more moments flashed before me, spinning out of control, filled with grief. They rushed me to the operating room because i was bleeding and it would not stop. My husband was able to go with me probably for the simple fact hes a medical student, but also he was not leaving me under any circumstances. A 15 minute procedure turned into 105 minutes. The bleeding was not controlled and it took so much and so long. From all the medication I only remember brief moments. I do remember opening my eyes and seeing my husband looking straight at me. I saw him holding my hand. I heard his best friend's father come in (who happens to be a doctor). He told my husband "you have beautiful boys." For one moment had I been dreaming all of this? Was I ok? Were my babies there, were they ok????????? god? What a terrible dream. Then i saw the doctor using the ultrasound machine. My uterus was empty and the babies were not there. I closed my eyes and did not open them for the next 2 hours.

When I opened them once again, I had visitors; my best friend was on a plane to get to me from North Carolina. At the time she was on her way to the airport as the tears ran down her face as she stared out the window. At that very same time my babies had entered the world and left so somehow she was with me just as we had planned. After a lot of sleep and tears I still had to have a blood transfusion. My body was so weak - the weaknest it had ever been. We faced each hour with a different decision to be made. Didn't the doctors and nurses know I could not not do this? I could not make decisions. It took every ounce of my being not to cry everytime someone else came in the room. Didn't they know this was to much for anyone to have to bare????????????????

We have made it through a service for our angels. We have made it through all the telephone calls, all the company in the house. We have even made it through the school taking my husband's dream of medicine away for another year, we have made it through 23 days without the boys. We sit where there should be four and reamin only two.

we know in our hearts the day my angels went to heaven has changed our lives forever, has changed our hearts forever, has touched our beings in places we never knew existed, and even deeper in our hearts. The day my babies went to heaven they were going to watch over us for the rest of our lives and someday when we least expect it they will send us our precious lost rainbows. For now and until then, the love we have for those two boys will exist always!

Please excuse all the typos nd misspelled words. I have no more tears left to edit this story. For anyone who may read this, I sincerely hope that you know that I do sympathize with the loss you have encountered and if you ever wish to share your stories with me please do-

Email me at butchcassidy19@hotmail.com


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