Stories of Lost Children
Our Alauna Jean/Our Jelly Bean
by Pamela Gay, Spokane, Washington, USA
Our daughter Alauna joined our family on May 28, 1997. She was our 3rd daughter. Her sisters Makayla and Talia were 4 and 2 years old when she was born and they loved her soooo much as did my husband and I. Alauna was such a sweet and happy baby. She was a true blessing that God gave our family. She was so healthy and happy that it just made my heart sing with joy. That joy was crushed when on July 15th when Alauna was exactly 7 weeks old our family entered into a nightmare that I wish and pray nobody would ever have to endure. Alauna was laying next to me in bed and my husband came to wake me because I had pictures scheduled for her that day. He had just been in the room 20 minutes earlier and Alauna was fine. Before I could open my eyes I heard my husband's scream "OH MY GOD, SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ALAUNA, OH MY GOD". I jumped up and looked at my precious baby and it was obvious that something was terribly wrong. My husband immediately started CPR and I ran to call 911. The paramedics got to our house so fast. They were there within minutes. I ran my other two daughters to the neighbors. I didn't want them to see their daddy doing cpr on their precious sister. It was so scary to me I can't even imagine what they were thinking. The paramedics came into our house with all their gear and I remember seeing that little machine with such little paddles and it hit me then that my baby, my beautiful healthy baby may not live. I was hysterical. Walking from the living room to the kitchen praying, praying, and praying. One of the times as I paced back to the living room it was empty except for a couple of paramedics and my husband. They had taken my baby to the ambulance. I knew in my heart that she was gone. I lost it. I ran to the door screaming "Let me hold her, I want my baby, please let me hold her". They grabbed me and told us to meet them at the hospital. So we rushed to the hospital. When we got there a Chaplain
met us in the ER and took us to "the quiet room". He tried so hard to help us and offered to make phone calls. All I could ask was "is my baby ok?" He had no answers. We were in the room for about 15 to 20 minutes (this is a guess since time had no meaning at this point) when a doctor came in. He had tears in his eyes and he came and knelt in front of us and grabbed our hands. I knew then. Before he said it, I knew my precious little angel was gone. He told us that they did all they could do but could not get her back. He told us it looked like a classic case of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). But that an autopsy would have to be done to be sure. I was so scared that I had rolled on her or something. He told me ABSOLUTELY NOT. He explained that if I had rolled on her there would be external signs of it and there were none. He explained what SIDS was and also told us there could be another medical reason, something she was born with, but they would not know till after an autopsy. I wanted to see and hold her. I had not held my precious little girl that day. They took us into the trauma room and she was all wrapped up in a white blanket on that big trauma table. She looked so little up there. I walked up to her and picked her up. She looked like she was just sleeping. I could not believe that my darling little Alauna would never wake up. My breasts ached to feed her. That was soooo hard. I just wanted her to wake up and nurse sooo bad. I can not write the feelings of losing a child. The pain and longing are too great. As I write this it has been 4 1/2 years since we lost our darling Alauna. She would be 4 1/2 years old. We did learn that it was SIDS, after the autopsy was complete. They warned us that the police had to come to our house to investigate since it was a death at home. Which they told us was standard procedure. That was hard. We had not been home 10 minutes when they came. There was not much to tell them. I mean what can you say? She went to bed the night before. She was happy, cooing and smiling. She nursed, looked up at me and cooed and I said "Alauna Jean, my little jelly bean, you need to go nite nite. She smiled and continued nursing (If I had known she was going nite nite forever I would have held her in my arms all night long). The next thing I know it is morning and I am woken by my husbands screams. They have to do an investigation in SIDS cases or any cases where the child dies at home. I am glad they do though, since there are so many sick people out there that hurt their precious children. I will never understand how people could hurt their children. After the investigation and the autopsy they confirmed that it was SIDS. That didn't help. Pretty much, they told us they have no idea why a perfectly normal, happy, healthy baby just stops breathing and can not be revived. She had none of the risk factors for SIDS. She was not overly covered, she was not in a smokey environment, she did not have a cold, it wasn't winter, and SHE WAS ON HER BACK. I had the brochures on sids. I knew what risk factors were. We did everything right. But we lost her anyway. It is not something I will ever understand. I know she is gone and there is nothing I can do about that, but oh how I wish I had a reason. Not having a reason is so hard. Her sisters miss her terribly and still remember her and include her in their prayers. Time has helped and I can think about her and smile sometimes without crying now. That took a while though. We found out we were pregnant about 3 months after losing her. Her sister Ciarra was born 5 days before what would have been Alauna's first birthday. Ciarra was quite a surprise. It was awfully scary too. I questioned God about the timing but HE knew exactly what he was doing. Ciarra has been such a blessing. We also have had another baby and his name is Matthew. He is now 2 years old. My children are true gifts from God and I cherish them so much. Alauna will always be part of our family and no other child could ever replace her. SIDS takes more than your precious baby it also takes your trust. I could not trust that my babies would wake up. It was so scary. I also just had to put my faith in God that my children would be safe and just tried to enjoy every moment with them. We did use an apnea monitor on Ciarra and Matthew. Though experts told us that it would not help if it was a true case of SIDS. I used one anyway because I didn't think they knew enough about SIDS for me to not try to prevent it. Though I know there is nothing you can do to prevent SIDS. You can try to reduce risk factors but I know from experience that that doesn't always work. I pray for the day they find the reason and cure for this awful disease they call SIDS. Thank you for letting me share my story. Christmas is coming and the holidays are hard to not think of the presents I should be buying for Alauna. I guess that is why I have been feeling down and wanted to share our loss. Thanks for letting me. If anyone would like to email me my email is momieof5@yahoo.com.
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